My letter to Bell Canada

Dear Bell Canada,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old young lady that feels like her proverbial balloon has been deflated. I am infuriated, like an angry rhinoceros mother who's offspring has just been threatened.

I purchased a Motorola phone from you in March of last year. I can't remember the model number because from the beginning I was not impressed. The phone is intrusive, and a lot of the times I feel burdened by the mere existance of it in my pocket. Like an obnoxious Tamagotchi, I am constantly checking to make sure it's behaving, not automatically signing onto the internet, or downloading new ringtones. Although I still question whether or not they are programmed by Bell, like sneaky robots of the night, to seek monetary grabs whenever they know I'm not looking, I will give you the benefit of the doubt. We have larger fish to fry, Bell Canada. My bigger issue that needs immediate attention is the fact that two of the circular buttons that control most of the functions, have fallen off. They are no longer on my phone, Bell Canada. When I took this into one of your stores, and brought this to one of your salespeople's attention, the brash heathen of a woman told me Bell does not cover such a tragedy. Doesn't cover buttons falling off? I was perplexed, enraged, and completely dumbfounded. But still, I did not lose my cool. In the process of trying to plot my next move as to how to come into possession of those elusive buttons, my phone just stopped ringing. It doesn't ring, Bell Canada. Oh, and you can check, "horrible selection of ringtones", and "only receives and sends texts when it damn well feels like it" off my list of complaints as well. So not only am I missing important buttons, am not happy with the ringstones, and have faulty texting, but now my phone is silent. I miss extremely important phones calls, and I just don't know what to do with myself. What does Bell Canada cover? If my phone explodes, and I have cellular shrapnel in my eye, and have to have a costly operation... does Bell cover that? If my phone leaks battery acid into my pocket and I develop burns on my delicate legs, and as a result the phone is left lame and unusable, does Bell cover *that*?? Bell Canada, retribution needs to happen here; it will be mine. I am eligible for a new phone in March of next year, with only two hundred dollars to put towards it. Now, since the last time I checked, your phones were an ungodly price, I believe two hundred dollars will probably cover a decorative faceplate. I am completely unhappy with this mediocre customer service, and product. Your policies are flawed, as is my defaced Motorola phone. For the love of God Bell Canada.. where are my buttons? Please respond immediately.

Sincerely,

Sarah Bertrand