Saturday, December 20, 2008

My letter to Crane Merchandising Systems

Dear Crane Merchandising Systems,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a disgruntled young lady who enjoys practicality, and delicious reasonably priced snacks. Although your company produces neither one of these, I still am an avid user of your vending machine, due to lack of options. I believe it's best if I keep my place of employment shrouded in mystery, because the degree of stress and hopelessness I'm feeling could translate into aggression, and I don't want it to reflect badly on the good people at Roger's. Oh. Oh dear.

I can accept that in this day and age, with the recession and all, that established businesses feel it is proper protocol to maintain inflated prices on your merchandise. However I cannot accept that fifty percent of the time I go to the vending machine when I am parched, or am in need of a healthy energy supplement (such as the Miss Vickie's Rosemary and Basil chips that I just consumed), that I am inevitably left in the end, staring slackjawed with confusion and disgust at the dangling treat I purchased with my hard earned money. I have to go and get a brawnier coworker to aid me in getting what is rightfully mine. Sometimes I will sit there and pummel your vending machine for twenty minutes at a time, watching the bag of chips, or package of cookies (depending on my mood) suspended in mid air, mocking me. I'll kick and punch, punch and kick, until victory is mine, and I have my unreasonably priced tidbit in my sweaty little grateful hand. As I gallop down the hallway, cramming fistfuls of snacky goodness into my delicate mouth, my delight is hindered because of what an unnecessary production it was to come into possession of my treat.

Crane Merchandising Systems, retribution needs to be had. I'm aware it will be hard to tally the amount of money I have meandered away on your vending machine, so I will ask that perhaps a discount card could be sent to me, guaranteeing me 75% off anything I purchase for the rest of my life. I don't think this is unreasonable. I will be checking my mailbox every five minutes until I receive your package, complete with discount card and letter of apology. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to an immediate response.

Sarah Bertrand

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