Sunday, December 21, 2008
My letter to Rosie O'Donnell
Dear Rosie O'Donnell,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old aspiring fountain pen repairer, and I need to tell you something of imparative importance.
You are not a singer. I believe you knew that already, but somewhere along the line, you forgot. Maybe someone tried to convince you doing a charity CD would be great publicity, maybe someone told you it would be a commendable deed before Christmas, and that's ok; I don't blame you. What I do blame you for is deciding to further personalize the CD by adding your own song to the soundtrack. You didn't have to do that Rosie O'Donnell. Nevertheless, when I was strolling through my local mall the other day, and I heard that God awful Christmas music blaring, I didn't think my day could get any worse. Then I heard the first few opening chords, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", and *your* shrieking voice followed... I couldn't believe my damn ears. I didn't know such a cover existed. For so many reasons this is obviously a very ironic choice of song, but I digress. I'll stick to the issue at hand.
This song was not precious, festive, or congruous to any age group. It was painful. I'm not sure if it was Parker, your son, who accompanied you in this atrocity, or some random homeless child you coaxed out of the cold with assurance of a warm meal and something shiny. It doesn't matter though. The appalling, beastly brat embarassing himself in the background just added to the torture my ears had to endure.
Rosie O'Donnell, I demand retribution. I believe the only fair solution would be for you to immediately implement the removal of every "A Rosie Christmas" CD's that are on shelves or in production. An apology letter is also in order, as is the distribution of several koosh balls and koosh launchers to my house.
Thank you very much for your time, and I look forward to these discrepencies being rectified immediately.