My letter to Cool Beer

Dear Cool Beer,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old Chia Pet enthusiast, who enjoys antique hourglasses, hakka style chicken, and beer labels that contain some sort of ferocious animal.

About an hour ago, I was consuming some delicious spicy hakka style chicken, with white sticky rice, stir fried vegetables, and a Cheetah Beer beverage. My girlfriend, Holly, said I should get it because of it's name, and I agreed it was humorous and the notion of broadening my beer horizons excited me. The chicken was a little too spicy for my taste, and the beer, at first, seemed mediocre. Holly said it had an aftertaste of a bag of garbage that had been set on fire, but I think she was being a tad out of line. Post consumption, I didn't think anything was awry.. until, that is, we got home.

I began pacing around my living room in a panicked, primal manner. In circles. Growling at everything and being territorial. At first, I didn't realize what I was doing could be construed as odd. However, as I sit here atop the drapes, yelling my thoughts to Holly to translate into a serious email to you, I think that there is a problem. A big problem. And the problem is called, me now being a cheetah.

I just ate a raw porkchop, and I'm running around so fast, even my cats can't catch me. Please send the antidote immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to another Spammer

October 11, 2009

On Sat, 10/10/09, Lione Prez wrote:

From: Lione Prez
Subject: Dear Beloved,
To:
Received: Saturday, October 10, 2009, 9:52 AM

Dear Beloved,
I am Madam Lione Prez-a citizen of philippine,widow, and legitimate heir to the late former Minister of finance who was assassinated for been working with the ex-president Joseph .E in philippine.

I inherited a total sum of 5 million dollars my late husband, The presure from my decease husband's family for this money has compelled me to leave Manila and have the money which is concealed in a metallic trunk box is deposited with a security and finance company Burkina Faso under a secret arrangement as a family treasure.
This means that the security company does not know the content of this box that was shipped from the Philippine to Burkina Faso under a diplomatic coverage.

My purpose of asking for your assistance boil down to the fact that I don't want my late husband's family to be aware or name involve, and the deposit statement of the box authorized the company to make this box avaliable for shipment on request only to my foreignbussiness representative, though unname.

Hence I want you to contact the the security company as my bussiness partner / associate, after receiving the prove from me to enable the company release the consigment to you diplomatically, while I join you on the arrival of the box.

I have recently paid all demurrage ,storage charges and the shipment fee, all you need do is to help me contact the security company and introduce yourself as my bussiness partner / associate ,requesting the shipment of the box to your address which you will provide.

And as soon as Diplomatic shipping agent approved the shipment and tell you the arrival date of the box then I will join you to give you 15% of the money instantly before I go on with the proposed investment in your domain provided is secured and investment friendly.Please if you are interested and willing to represent me as my bussiness partner / associate kindly write me as soon as possible.

I awaits your urgent response
Best wishes
Madam Lione Prez.
***
--- On Sat, 10/10/09, Sarah Bertrand wrote:

From: Sarah Bertrand
Subject: Re: Dear Beloved,
To: prez.lione@yahoo.com.hk
Received: Saturday, October 10, 2009, 8:13 PM

this is incredible.. this is the opportunity of a lifetime! how can i begin my quest as soon as possible?
***

Confirm this mail...Sunday, October 11, 2009 6:41 AM
From: "Lione Prez" Add sender to Contacts
To: "Sarah Bertrand"
My Dear Partner,
Thanks for your email and your sincere understanding to help and do this business with me. I will be very greatful to you and expecialy to God who have directed me to choose only you in this great venture to rescue me out of the lion den to live a better life in your country, you may not understand very well why i use the word "lion den" i am going through hell right here in the Philippines and i have gone through a lot of humiliation in the hands of this wicked and heartless family of my late husband, but i strongly beleive that if you are able to help me retreive this box of money from the security company to your end which means my life will come back to normal again when i join you soonest.

You will have to help me in bringing this box of money out of the security company where the money was deposited, that is the more reason why I contacted you because I will not want our family name to be involved in this great transaction for some security reasons of my safety and the safety of my funds. All you have to do to make this transaction a true successful venture is to call the security company and give them your correct safe residential address where you want the box of money to be deliver, then they will use their diplomatic power to ship the money to your address with immediate effect. Before the box of money get to your address, I will give you the keys to open the box for you to send me some money to arrange for my travelling documents to meet up the arrival of the box at your address where the box is delivered.

Please i hope there will be utmost confidence in this transaction? as it will benefit both of us because i'm willing to offer you 15% of the money outside any of your little expenses that you may incure during cause of this transaction as long as you can assist me soonest, that is you will be entilte to 15% of the total sum as your own share of the money for your kind assistance.
I am ready to give you the security company's contact number and the documents that I used in depositing this box of money which is the certificate of deposit they gave me on the very day when I deposited the box of money with a code as family treasure, I will also to feed you with more informations and giudlines for you to discuss with the company without making any mistake .

Upon your confirmation of this email, I will send you my identity and also scan the document as file and send it to you by email attachment so that you can call the security company in Ouagadoudou Burkina Faso to give them your address where they will deliver the box immdeiately,You have to act fast to your reply of this mail so that we can conclude this business sooner.

Await for your response and your confirmation so that i will send an email letter to the company in Burkina faso to introduction you to them as my associate who is to recieve the shipment of the trunk box.
I want to know more about you,

How old are you? Are you marrined? if yes how many children do you have? What do you do for a living? and which business are we going to invest this money into?
Kindly anwser this question's so that i can forward the security company contacts information's to you and my documents in my next mail.

Awaiting to hear from you, while I look forward to meet you very soon.
Bye for now and God bless
Madam Lione Prez.
***

Dear Madam Lione Prez,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old French Immersion donut eater. We have been corresponding recently about me being your personal hero.

Thank you so much for clearing up what you meant by the term, "lion den". I was confused, and for a second I thought you were typing out this grammatically stellar email nestled comfortably in the embrace of a king of the jungle.

First off, I was a little skeptical, I have to admit, about your emails. But then I crawled into a "lion den", and thought long and hard about your foolproof plan, and deduced that you have no other choice. And if the box of money from the security company cannot be retained by you, your late husband's wife, then who better to waltz in there and acquire that box of money, but I, Sarah Bertrand! *begins the slow clap* Well done, Madam Lione Prez. Hey, know what I just realized? Your name is "Lione". Like "Lion". The den in which you currently reside.

Moving along, so let me get this straight: I call the security company, give them my address, and they send me the box of money. Then you send me the keys for the box of money. And then I deduct 15% for myself, and send you the rest of it back? This.. is.. good. Really good. I can do this. 15% is more than fair. You need the majority of the money to maintain that "lion den". You know, for lighting, and not to mention feeding those "lion". Possibly hiring entertainment, like hiring Elton John to sing them all a diddy about circles, and life.

Commence shipment immediately. I will send you my address if you can answer my riddle, so I know that you are in fact legitimate.

What is the difference between an elephant and a blue plum?

You have asked me some personal questions about myself, and I will answer those so you feel more at ease with me handling your box of money, and then sending it to your den of "lion".

My age is 26. You asked if I was "marrined". I do not know what this means. I can only assume that it is the language barrier, to this I am very understanding. I will answer this question, in terms of all the things I believe this could possibly mean.

I am not marrined. I am a human being, not a mammal such as a whale. I do not have my own "World", and I actually resent that you asked me this, if I'm being perfectly honest.

I am not, in any way, affiliated with the Seattle Mariners, although I have played baseball for many years.

I am not a steak, nor am I poultry, so I have not been marinated. Although I have had two beers tonight, while cleaning my house, and I did spill a little bit on my leg when I started writing this. I do smell a little like it still, but I did wipe it off, so you can make your own assumptions I suppose.

I have no children, because I am barren. Thank you, really, for bringing up such a sensitive subject. Well, it has not been confirmed that I am barren. However I am a homosexual, and one day a few years ago, a man stopped me on the street and told me I was going to hell, and crazily spouted off something about babies, and me not being able to have them even though it's God's will, because God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve, so I can only assume that he was trying to helpfully communicate to me that I was not born with ovaries nor Fallopian tubes.

What do I do for a living? Daydream. Sometimes I read. Other times, I cry. Oh, did you mean a job? I manage my own car theft ring. It's pretty glamorous, but frowned upon in some circles, so you're going to have to keep this one between you, I, and all those "lion".

Also, we will be investing the money in "lion", and things related to "lion". Like, safaris.

I will not sleep until I hear from you again, Ms. Lionpants. Here here! Your late husband will have his vengeance! Oh, wait. Is he "wicked" like his family? Are we mad at him too?

Lion!

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand.

My letter to the AGO

Dear Art Gallery of Ontario,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a vengeful, passionate, 26 year old woman who is somehow associated with an artist, and this is my tale of woe.

On September 19th, 2009, I was forced against my will to venture to your establishment, because my girlfriend has just started her first semester in art school, and wanted to be accompanied. Since I support her work, I decided I would put on my fancy hat and good t shirt, and venture out for some culture.

I have one question, one suggestion, and one comment. I shall begin with the "suggestion".

There was one painting, up, up, waaay up on the fifth floor (we could not locate the elevator, so we walked up the spiraling staircase of death.. I had to use my inhaler immediately after), and it was brown. Not my inhaler, the painting. A light brown. That was it. It was about the size my cat, Sunshine, if he was standing up and had his arms outstretched. He is orange, and very furry. He also is blind in one eye. It was a rather tawdry shade of brown, and there was no pattern, no picture, literally nothing on the canvas except the shade brown. It was called, "Untitled". Well, duh! That would be the *obvious* choice to call it. I, however, have contrived several more imaginative ideas for what this "piece of art" should be called. "Bark". Or, "Chocolate". Or, "Brunette". Or, "Autumn". These are just a few working ideas to jazz things up a little bit. I also thought it would be quite interesting to catch people off guard, and give them something they wouldn't expect. Like, "Shazaam! Brown!" Or, "Whoooaaaaa!" Or, "Peanut Brittle." I don't mind if you use any of the ideas. In fact, I would be very flattered. I would, however, have to insist that my name be accredited, and a wing of your building to be named after myself: Sarah C Bertrand.

Now, the comment. On the first floor, there was one larger scale photograph that took up a small wall. It was framed, and looked like someone took a picture of various items in their house, and got it developed at their local Wal Mart, or Sooters. Is Sooters still around? It was a picture of an empty pack of Belmont's brand cigarettes, an almost empty glass of what looked like Coca Cola, concealer, eyeshadow, and a few nick nacks. My friend, Kevin Tramov (who also went with us that day), exclaimed loudly and abruptly, "This looks like my make up counter!" It did, AGO, look like his makeup counter. What constitutes art nowadays? It just seemed to be random objects in a polaroid taken out of focus. Was there a hidden meaning I didn't comprehend? Or, is this is newest art fad that's going to be taking over? Because, in that case, I have several pictures I'd like to send you, and have immediately displayed. There was a brief period I was experimenting with piles. I would wait until my cat, Mr. Bojangles, was sleeping, and then I would pile as many things as I could on him until he woke up and started to squirm, and I would take a picture. Books, blankets, socks, cds, pens, a Lean Cuisine one time. I'd never hurt him, but the pictures turned out pretty inspiring. I also have pictures of my brother wearing my bathing suit when he was younger, a really great one of my mother dressed up as a cowboy a few Halloweens ago, trotting around my room, and I even have a very endearing picture of my other cat, Ned, in laundry basket. He's looking up at me, pleading with his eyes, "I'm not dirty mom! Don't put me in with the wash!" And I didn't. But it's still a great picture. Regardless, my comment is this: I don't understand it, so I fear it. You should make exhibits that are less confusing, and thus less scary.

Speaking of scary, here comes my question. As soon as you walk into the AGO, and after you've paid your fee (a fee which I will be demanding back in a few short paragraphs), there is a large room with a large exhibit. Although I do consider myself an artist at sandwich making, I am not in fact an actual, conventional artist. So, from a non artistic point of view (unless we're discussing sandwiches), what I saw not only confused me, but horrified me. There was a massive mirrored dwelling. Some of the glass was cracked, and it was two storeys high. On top there were several budgies that had visited the taxidermist, as well as a mannequin that had the body of an angry businessman, and the head of a giant bird with pubic hair glued to its face. There were several dildos on display, some bedazzled with leather, and odd viney things that looked as though they were haunted. There was also another birdman, who looked like he was late for an appointment, and thus wanted to kill someone. I don't know why he was so mad. I don't know why the words, "scrotum" and "tongue" were scratched in the trees that surrounded the whole display. I actually don't understand, even a little bit, what any of it meant. I even tried to think like a pretentious jerk, and think about it in terms of "society", and I *still* don't get it.

My question to you, AGO, is how quickly will it take me to get back my $18 sent back to me before I implement an artistic protest outside your building, involving interpretive dance, picture taking, some melting ice (like that other presentation upstairs that made even less sense), and perhaps showing of artistic emotion. Like tears. Or passion. I look forward to my $18 immediately, as well as an apology. For the world to see. Post haste.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Milton Bradley

Dear Milton Bradley,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old-stay- at- home nanny who enjoys butterscotch pudding, Paddington Bear, and references to the color teal.

A few days ago, I made the mistake of feeling nostalgic. A mistake that I will regret for the rest of my days. I was working at the time, and had what Oprah would call an "A Ha!" moment. I thought to myself, "Sarah Bertrand," I thought. "Remember when your life had meaning?" And then I thought to myself, "Nope." And then I thought to myself, "'Guess Who?' was a really good board game." And then I deduced that on my break I should mission to Wal Mart and see if they carried said game. It reminded me of my childhood, and I missed my childhood. I'm so mature right now, I can't even remember what it felt like to be a child.

So when 1:00pm came, I scuttled my way out of the store, punching wildly and invading the customer's space, while I tried to maneuver the quickest route out of there. I absconded my way through the mall, directly into Wal Mart, and scampered off to the nostalgic treasure section.

Mr. Bradley, would you like to "Guess Who?" I found?? Well sir, it's not a "who", but a "what". The game, "Guess Who!" Obviously I snatched it off the shelf, and impressively tore my way over to the cash register, and then out into the mall, and back to my place of work. I couldn't wait to get this baby home, and reacquaint myself with all those familiar faces. I missed Charles the most. He reminded me of my Uncle Pat.

Milty.. can I address you as such? Well Milty, without going into too much detail, upon opening the package of the game and discovering it's disappointing contents, I decided that a letter is in order. Not only were the various pieces so shoddily constructed that it was virtually impossible to keep the game together and functioning without cards falling out, or hinges dislocating themselves (plus a missing score keeping piece, but by that time I was so over it that I didn't deem that a priority), but the FACES.. the faces. I have written a meticulous account of every single NEW (not appeasing my sense of nostalgia at all.. i didn't recognize anybody!) mugs, what I assumed their positions in life would be, and how they made me feel.

Danial (spelt really oddly): A creepy bus driver. The kind that leers after little boys, and yells at little girls. Also, I believe he probably listens to Enya, and punches walls.

Chris: A deadbeat, unambitious, elementary school dropout who still gets an allowance, and spends it on tiny action figures, and then proceeds to melt them.

Emily: She looks like Mrs. Doubtfire. And although I really liked that movie, and have a fondness for drag queens, she looks like the version of Mrs. Doubtfire that would probably be a sociopathic thief. She also looks like she has several cats with various maladies that range in severity, and I believe I'm safe in assuming that all these felines have names that start with either "Mr." or "Mrs." Is this a safe assumption, Milty?

Kyle: Looks like he attempted to start his own boy band, and failed.. because he's 37. He also looks like he's obsessed with his past, and regrets letting his mom deter him from being a professional baseball player.

Nick: An inadequate, impotent science teacher. The pervy one you hated in high school.

Ashley: Looks like the snobby jerk who's from the ghetto but tries to act exotic with a beret and flashy costume jewelry. She also looks like she lacks respect for herself and has misplaced her morals. She undoubtedly uses a fake accent, however, I cannot decide which type of accent I feel as though she uses.

David: Looks like he's stumbled into non Mennonite territory by accident, and is terrified. The only thing that seemingly calms him down are birds living in his beard, singing him a sweet melody.

Zachary: High strung and strung out virgin. Loves pastrami, and has a diaper fetish. He also looks constipated. Is he, Milton Bradley?

Matt: Poor Matt. I mean, it's not his fault that his wife cheated on him. With another woman. Ashley, to be more precise (the aforementioned Harlot). I'm fairly certain that Matt is Benjamin Button. I am more certain that he sits down to pee.

Alex: Overweight underachiever.

Jake: Huzzah! A homosexual magician! Probably with a sassy catchphrase. He loves bananas, and refers to himself as a Hulkamaniac.

Rachel: Pillpopper.

Sarah: Great name, struggling actress. In the meantime, she's a self hating librarian, and screams into her mirror at night.

Connor: Played too much Super Mario as a kid, and is searching for his life partner, Luigi.

Brandon: Running from obesity for his whole life, and doesn't trust himself.

William: "Surf's up!" This freeloading hippy liar makes me feel anxious and disappointed.

Jon: Preteen serial killer.

Joshua: Hey, is that Joshua? Yes. And he'll kill you. He also has a sexual fetish, with sauces.

James: I believe that James is actually a chocolate covered almond that was placed in this game by accident. A goatee was then thrown on as a lackluster apology. No one's head looks like that.

Joseph: Tranny riddled with anxiety.

Andy: Hey, do you like tax evasions? No? Andy does.

Tyler: Tyler's touching Kyle as I type.

Justin: Wears a stained wife beater, eats ketchup sandwiches, and beats his wife. He has given up on himself, and doesn't deserve the exposure.. just leave him alone.

Last, but not least..

Megan: Her indiscretions got her a great job. I can't be mad at that.

Well Mr. Bradley, my disappointment is unmistakeable, and completely founded, but I am sure that you have already come to that conclusion on your own. I expect a full refund of $18.96 plus applicable taxes, and every single current "Guess Who?" game to be taken off of store shelves, everywhere. I expect a new game constructed this instant, with the use of all of the old characters, and two new ones: Sarah Bertrand, and my grey domestic cat, Ned. I'll send pictures to aid the process. Ned is very fluffy. It's very important to me that this aspect of him is captured.

Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to a response immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand
***

Guess Who board game [Incident: 090923-000027]
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 5:43 AM
From: This sender is DomainKeys verified"Hasbro Consumer Affairs"
Add sender to Contacts
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Recently you submitted a question to our Consumer Affairs team. Below is a summary of your question and our response.

Thank you for allowing us to be of service to you.

If your issue remains unresolved, please update this question here.

Subject
Guess Who board game

Discussion Thread
Response (Kerry Vaux) 09/23/2009 08:43 AM
Hi Sarah,

Thank you for contacting Hasbro, Inc.

We are very sorry to hear that you were not satisfied with your Guess Who game and can fully appreciate the disappointment caused. We pride ourselves on ensuring that our products are of the highest quality and we are concerned to learn that this game was unsatisfactory.

We will be happy to send a postage paid mailing label to assist you in returning the game to us along with your receipt. . Once we have received your game and receipt, and a refund will be issued to you less the tax.

Please be advised that we cannot accept responsibility for uninsured, lost or misdirected mail. To facilitate the process, please include a brief note explaining the problem with the product, along with your return address and phone number.

Sarah, we appreciate having the opportunity to assist you. We hope you and your family will enjoy our products for many years to come.
***
re: Guess Who board game [Incident: 090923-000027]
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 6:28 PM
From: "Sarah Bertrand" View contact details
To: "Hasbro Consumer Affairs"

Dear Milton Bradley, or Kerry Vaux- Bradley,

Huzzah! Such a prompt and diplomatic response! "Guess Who?"!! It's Sarah Bertrand! Did you enjoy my approach? Did I make you giggle? Even a little bit? I hope so. I appreciate your offer to refund my hard earned money, however I have misplaced the receipt. I had it on the computer table for two weeks, and my girlfriend did a "big clean", and then it went missing. I'm not blaming her for it being gone (I already told her that), but I am saying that it was definately there before she cleaned, and now it's not. Perhaps I should get a decorative container for my receipts. Or a file folder. There wouldn't be very many receipts in it though, so maybe just a sandwich bag. Like a ziploc. I'll have to remember to pick some up.

Alas, I am getting off track. I'm saddened and perplexed as to why my simple request at the personalized "Guess Who?" game could not come into fruitation.. I had already told my family (extended as well) that I had made myself into an overnight success, and they should expect very impressive and prestigious early Christmas presents. I assumed the game would be on the shelves by early next week. There is already a huge demand for this product. I just don't understand, Milton Bradley. You have disappointed a lot of Bertrands. Not to mention friends of Bertrand's.

I guess, since I don't have a receipt anymore, the only logical thing to do would be to go out, and re-purchase another "Guess Who?" sub par board game from Wal Mart. Maybe they'll have jacked up the price this time, so I'll get even more money back from you guys. God I'm so smart!! Maybe I'll quit my job and make a living getting refunds for products I've purchased. I'd better go now and try and figure out how to patent my idea. Thanks for being so accommodating and nice.

Toodles!

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Red Lobster

Dear Red Lobster,

Salutations! My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old crustacean lover, who enjoys garlic butter, seamen, and watching food I'm about to consume in it's last afflicted moments of life.

I just finished grazing upon a scrumptious meal at your Yonge and John location, and I am stuffed! I enjoyed a medley of flavours, namely seafood, mashed potatoes, and one and a half buns. It was like Jesus himself had punched me in the mouth with a hug. And garlic shrimp.

I wanted to congratulate you on the impeccable positioning of your live lobsters (right smack dab as soon as you enter the establishment.) It's such a great idea. I always find myself saying, after fine dining, "God, that chicken was so tasty. I just wish I got to see an overzealous morbid display before I ate it. For example, a gaggle of rabid hens tearing through the restaurant in all their glory, feathers flying, skittering over my feet so I can truly see their personalities, thus being able to determine which fowl to devour."

I shall immediately begin a crusade in restaurants across Canada, to implement mandatory animal showcasing before ingesting. Not being able to see my dinner before feasting is just tacky.

You are delicious, Mr. Lobster. Thank you, and goodnight.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Dini Petty

Dear Dini Petty,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old treasure hunter who enjoys costume jewelry, couscous, and bargains. Recently I was on a treasure hunting expedition at a local secondhand book store, when I came across a novel that struck my fancy. It was entitled, "In Her Shoes", by Jennifer Weiner. There was a movie made about this particular book (of the same name), starring Toni Collette and Cameron Diaz. This, Mrs. Petty, is neither here nor there.

As you can imagine, I snatched the book up, skedaddled over to the counter, and flung it down in a fit of panic and validation, much to the surprise of the cashier. I was a sweaty, euphoric mess. With tears streaming down my face, I purchased that novel, with a filthy wadded up five dollar bill. As I gleefully skipped out of the store with my brand new secondhand sensational find, I didn't think there was anything else in the world that could have happened to me (that day) to equal the level of elation that I was experiencing through the discovery of Mrs. (or Ms.) Weiner's piece.

That, Dini Petty, was an erroneous statement that I had made privately in my head, if there ever was one. Because as I opened the book for the first time, what fell out is something so unbelievable, I am still in a state of shock. What fell out of that book, Dini Petty, was... your signature. On a BBS cardboard autograph card. With your picture. That you had written on. Foolishly used as a bookmark.

THE LUCK!!!

Not only did I lack a bookmark altogether (before I had bought this book), but I had also lacked any sort of Dini Petty memorabilia in my house! Until now! I was awestruck. Exhilarated. Pleased as punch. Frenzied even, for good fortune had punched me in the face with something tangible that you had penned.

Thank you Dini Petty. Thank you for your talk show, and thank you for existing. You covered groundbreaking issues, and had on incredible musicians, such as The Moffatts and Shania Twain. Also, remember when Julian Lennon was slamming Yoko Ono on your show? That was a little awkward. But you handled it like a seasoned professional.

I am allowing my excitement to sidetrack me; for this I apologize. The reason for this letter is one tinged with a selfish motive. I have a favour to ask of you, Dini Petty. Although this autograph card now sits framed on my night table, and my level of appreciation towards you is so intense I should be ashamed of myself.. unfortunately I think that I could appreciate it that much more if it was personally autographed. To me. Like you wanted me to have it. Sarah Bertrand, 25 year old daydreamer and nostalgic talk show enthusiast. I would be honoured to proudly display your name and photo, along with my name somewhere on the photo, and a witty and inspirational inscription. Something along the lines of people like me (or me personally), being the reason that you got into the industry in the first place, and to keep reaching for the stars because you can already tell that I'm going to make it in whichever endeavours I choose to pursue. I have a really great frame already waiting for it.. it's shiny and black and 8 by 10.

I thank you again Dini Petty, for your secret selfless quest to make sure that a simple girl with big dreams such as myself, had a really good day. I look forward to hearing from you immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Softpedia, makers of The Noodle Eater's Hair Guard

Dear Softpedia,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old woman who enjoys spackle, semi professional photography, and trading recipes.

I recently came across your ingenious invention, The Noodle Eater's Hair Guard, and immediately began preparing a package of Mr. Noodle for consumption. I haven't even received my Noodle Eater's Hair Guard in the mail yet, so you can ascertain my level of excitement! Huzzah! Finally, a reason to start eating carbs again!!

You, Softpedia, would not believe the amount of money I have been needlessly dispensing on hair ties, barrettes, clips, and the like. Imagine me, a sophisticated important business woman, getting an expensive haircut or style (to be worn down), and having to go to an important elegant dinner where pasta is being served. Put my hair in a ponytail?? NO THANKS! Why, I'd rather strap a doily to my face and eat with class. No more pesky strands of hair threatening the deliciousness of my meal.

Softpedia, you have given me, and many others like myself, a new lease on life. Now meal time won't be such a stressful event. Instead of dining hour consisting of me eating popsicles while lying on my back (because really, that's the safest route to go when you don't want to be hassled with pulling your hair back into a ponytail), now I can pretty much smash whatever I want into my face, free of embarassment!

Two questions: does it come in any color other than salmon? Also, will it work for red meat, exotic fruits, and Jello?

Thank you, Softpedia. I look forward to my exciting mealtime apparatus making it's way onto my delicate face. Until then, I shall famine.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

http://barfblog.foodsafety.ksu.edu/2009/01/articles/food-safety-communication/katie-filion-fashion-meets-function-with-the-noodle-eaters-hair-guard/

My letter to Comfort Wipe

***PLEASE WATCH http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfGXmxJ1vM FIRST***


Dear Comfort Wipe,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old interpretive dancer who enjoys reminiscing about '80's trends, building modest towers out of Jello cubes, and maintaining her self respect.

By the grace of God, I recently came across your commercial for "Comfort Wipe" on youtube, and was struck with the urge to contact you immediately. As the one minute and forty seconds slowly ticked by on your outstanding advertisement chronicling how regular toilet paper wiping is so "last year", your solution that the only logical solution would be to attach some to a acrylic stick contoured to what you would assume someone's rear is shaped as was nothing short of brilliant. I was left with a taste in my mouth I cannot describe. Wait.. I'll try. That taste was shock. Nay, shock mixed with confusion, and relief.

As you state in your commercial, for "over one hundred years, we have been scrunching and folding toilet paper." I thought that I was the only person in existence that is tired of suffering with painstaking conventional ways to wipe myself. How is a lady such as myself supposed to function normally, knowing that every time she has to go to the bathroom, the sheer panic that grips her bladder at the thought of what to do with the toilet paper, just isn't worth it in the end. Sometimes, I would rather soil myself than have to worry about proper paper protocol. The anxiety attacks that derive from the unreasonable folding, bunching tissue debacles inevitably leaves me feeling depressed, and dysfunctional.

Heck, I've tried several things to make the process go by more smoothly, but nothing works. Origami toilet paper animals, decorative tissue paper normally used to embellish small to medium sized presents, I've even thought about constructing some sort of complicated contraption (possibly with a motor), to ease the process, but so far I only have blueprints.
The only thing that makes "Comfort Wipe" more appealing is the reasonable price of $19.99 plus applicable taxes. I know you guys say it's a $40 value, but I truly believe that you have lowballed yourselves.

"Place tissue and use, press and release soiled tissue, and toss!" It's as easy as one, two, weird! I have ordered a "Comfort Wipe", and refuse to use toilet paper in any other fashion until I receive it in the mail.
Thank you, people at "Comfort Wipe". You are the truly the unsung heroes of today.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Laura Secord

Dear Laura Secord,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old sugar enthusiast, who has a zest for life; as well as post holiday sales.

First of all, thank you so much for running across those fields to tell those guys about the war, like you did in that commercial. You are brave, and make delicious treats.

Secondly, I am writing to inform you of a forlorn and devastating situation that occured today with myself, as well as my manager, Sarah Butt (no relation). I have just taken a break from consoling her, but I do not know how long I have before she resumes her catastrophic downward spiral into the hopeless void of depression.

Allow me to explain.

She is unable to cease sobbing hysterically, nor will she stop smashing the heads off of any chocolate rabbits, chicks, roosters, or any other defenseless animal she can get her disappointed digits on.

Today we raced to your store at the Scarborough Town Centre location. We were salivating with glee at the thought of decadent treasures being stuffed into our delicate mouths. Alas, our dreams were dashed, and our hearts were shattered into 17 pieces, as a woman (she resembled a "Babs" or "Sheila") thrust her negative cloud of moodiness and despair onto us.

Sarah Butt was so overwhelmed with elation this morning as she tumbled out of bed, excited to see what the Easter Bunny had left behind for her. At your store. However, as we entered your chocolate haven, and were greeted by Sheila, Sarah excitedly screamed at her that you, Laura Secord, were the first thought on her mind this morning. You, your store, and your annual post Easter holiday Peter Rabbit treat sale. Babs then spat at her, with a degrading and judgemental tone, "That's sad. Really sad." My friend felt, dejected, bamboozled, and overwhelmed with humiliation.

Now Laura. I haven't even told you about the woman who unnecessarily bought every single one of your chocolate marshmallow treats , or the gentlemen who was silently judging us from behind the counter as we pranced excitedly from one display to another. We could get over that stuff. But this.. this is where we had to draw the line. We are simply not okay with what you've taught your employees an acceptable level of customer service should consist of. You were supposed to be a legend. Now, you've just conceded to sub par, inappropriate business behaviour, and you've made a mockery of everything you formerly stood for. Bravery, and chocolate.

I had to drag Sarah out of your store by the collar of her shirt, as she stood there spinning, throwing her arms in the air, and chanting, "Why is this happening to me??" I sincerely hope this matter can be corrected immediately. I will assume you will be sending us the items in your fall catalogue.. we don't enjoy anything with a fruity cream filling. I will also assume Babs will be dealt with accordingly; I would deem dressing her in a festive unitard and parading her through the mall necessary.

Thank you for your time, and the $18 worth of chocolate that Sarah ended up buying anyway in the end. It was delicious. Also, I did a project on you in elementary school. I got in trouble from my teacher when I told her I never understood why you were so strongly linked to chocolate. Could you please email Mrs. McKercher and explain the connection to her, while asserting that she was out of line in her discipline?

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Simple Plan

Dear member of French Canadian "pop punk" band Simple Plan,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old treasure troll enthusiast who enjoys listening to music being sung in a manner that is appropriate to the musicians ages, taking online surveys with the promise of a possible cash prize at the end, and oregano.

Let me set the scene for you, Simple Plan. I was at my desk at work, searching for recipes that I can use tonight that involve a crock pot that my mother bequeathed upon me for Christmas. She keeps asking me how it works and I say, "Great!" and then she asks me, "Does the dial have minutes on it? Or settings for heat? Or have you taken it out of the box yet? What color is it, Sarah Bertrand?" and then I hang up the phone. I suppose if I make her a pot roast, maybe that will alleviate some of her disappointment. I decided to try and find new music to upload onto my pink I-Pod Nano, and that is when, Simple Plan, I came across your latest song, "Save You." At least I think it's your newest song. It literally sounds exactly like anything I've ever heard you put out in the past; self indulgent "teenage" angst where you can literally *hear* the amount of eyeliner you're wearing in your voice.

I don't want to start rumours, but I heard when you released, "I'm Just A Kid", your band's ages ranged from 36-53. I have realized something groundbreaking that I need to share with you. Simple Plan is eerily reminiscient of Beverly Hills, 90210. I will explain.

You see, in Beverly Hills 90210, pre marriage consummation is a rampant theme throughout each season. This promotes the feeble and vulnerable youth not only to not respect themselves, but glorifies irresponsibility and a false sense of immunity against consequences.

Simple Plan promotes irresponsibility in their videos, more specifically, in "Perfect". You were all whining your sorrows about acceptance and possibly an increase in your allowance (I didn't quit catch the end of the video) into the unforgiving night air (again with heavy, heavy eye makeup). You all are performing your bubblegum pop power ballad on the rooftop of a house that clearly has a shaky foundation. How many lawsuits has this video resulted in, Simple Plan? Irresponsibility, immunity against obvious impending doom, as well as you all had to have acknowledged your newfound lack of dignity after you realized the dramatic, intense eye makeup you allowed your stylists to cake onto your misunderstood emo eyelids. So much make up. Honestly.

I guess it could probably go without saying (but I will say it) that Luke Perry was in his late twenties when he was playing the role of a rebellious teen on the cast of 90210. You guys keep releasing variations of a song you once wrote about being melacholy, dejected and being a teenager, oh ya and something about eyeliner. Let's keep it real, Simple Plan: you are not a teenager. I respect that you're catering to your only fan base.. the fan base of children that like to think they're hardcore for liking "rock" music, so they boast of being fans of Good Charlotte, Avril Lavigne, and Nickelback, however this needs to stop. Perhaps hook up with an adult contemporary producer, purchase some sweater vests, and contact MuchMore Music. You know that feeling when you're sitting cross legged for too long, and you try to stand up but your leg hurts so bad, like pins and needles, so you start shaking it and smacking it, and it hurts but you'll do whatever you can to make that numb feeling go away, and actually be able to "feel" again? Well that's what I experience when I accidentally catch one of your lackluster diddy on the radio. Only instead of my leg being numb, it's my heart, Simple Plan. My heart.

I hope these suggestions and critiques were not too harsh. Take them with a grain of salt, and a cotton make up pad dab of the eye region, but with the legitimacy of a girl with a chip on her shoulder, and somewhat honorable intentions.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to The Skinny Switch

Dear Rob Nevins,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a 25 year old defeatist who enjoys low impact aerobics, slowly (and sometimes rapidly) eating a delicious homemade paste consisting of kernels of corn, mayonnaise, and maple syrup, and being basically inactive in my own filth.

I was vacationing in sunny Aruba last week, and was basically bed ridden for the entire duration of my stay. (I got a nasty sunburn on my right wrist.. I don't want to talk about it!) I spent the majority of my time wrapped in a towel in bed, weeping, taking advantage of the free bar service, and cursing my bad luck (the wrist burn). Then, like a punch in the face from Jesus himself, I conveniently came across your magic weight loss remedy! What luck!

It seems logical enough (losing weight by eating, without the aid of any exercise whatsoever), however after enduring years of being bombarded with commercials of "fail proof diet plans" that have inevitably ended in defeat, I have been left jaded and heartbroken. My defense mechanisms were deployed, like an angry Ninja Turtle against a member of the Foot Clan.

However, your impressive website boasts you possess 20 years experience as "America's Fat Loss Guru" and have over 40,000 clients. Bravo! Sounds like you may have something here.

My question is this: since your claim is that this plan is 100% failproof, what happens for a gal like me who has severe food allergies and nourishment restrictions? I am allergic to meat, bread crust (unless it's panini), and Fluffernutter. I cannot eat vegetables unless they are encrusted in a thick coating of melted cheese. I cannot eat fruit unless they are deep fried in an jeopardous amount of honey, specially seasoned in salt (my own recipe). I cannot consume any dairy, which also means I cannot ingest vegetables (see above). My diet basically consists of chocolate (white and dark, not milk.. the dairy), and pork chops drenched in an obscene amount of canola oil. If I eat anything other than these fine items, I will die, Mr. Nevins.

So after carefully reading your mysterious and meticulously outlined diet plan, counting my pennies, and putting my faith in your capable and attractive hands, I beg of you.. can you help me? I'm anxiously awaiting your feedback so I can feel like a woman again. A woman who doesn't have to be ashamed of the hand she was dealt in life. A woman who can finally go to a restaurant and order a slice of pumpkin pie, and not have to specify, "Hold the pumpkin, and instead of the pie, please bring me a handful of Smarties and a dish of whipped cream."

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand
***REPONSE: March 7, 2009***

RE: re: To Mr. Rob Nevins (#6510-126689797-3554)
Saturday, March 7, 2009 7:06 AM
From: "Skinny Switch Secret" Add sender to Contacts To: "Sarah Bertrand" Hello Sarah,

Thank you for contacting Rob Nevins' Skinny Switch Secret!

I apologize for the delay in responding to your inquiry, this is due to an overflow of emails received.

I absolutely understand your concern. You need to be extremely cautious when it comes to food allergies, but two of the great features of Rob's meal plan is you get to select from a wide range of delicious meal options and you are provided with an Exchange List to help you make appropriate substitutions.

At this time our plan does not cater to any medical conditions, dietary restrictions or health concerns. We recommend you speak with your personal physician before beginning any weight-loss or fitness plan.

Please feel free to contact us with any future questions or concerns. We will be happy to assist you!


Alissa
Account Specialist

Our Account Specialists are available 10am to 8pm EST, Monday through Friday.

My letter to Glade

Dear Glade,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old origami enthusiast who enjoys temporarily masking pesky odours, damaging expensive fabrics in my house by spraying them with artificial scents, and Middle Eastern dancing.

I have been an avid supporter of Glade products for years, but I now feel compelled to write you a letter of disdain, because you have crossed the line. My patience line.

I will explain.

I find your recent slew of Glade advertisements confusing and obnoxious. Your protagonist, a woman obsessed with Glade products, is seemingly in a constant quest to evade her closest friends and family from the truth; that she uses your products. Don't you think that's ironically unflattering? She deceivs her yoga group, claims her candles come from the exotic land of France, and last but certainly not least, she uses the air freshener to boast that she's been hard at work all day when meanwhile it just SMELLS like she has been! She's been lax in her responsibilities at home, but hey, it smells like "clean" and "baking", so someone give her the validation she so desperately craves!

Something smells in this situation Glade, and it's not your reasonably priced handiwork. This unstable, compulsive liar is insinuating that your product is inferior to more exotic or expensive products, and that if we decide to purchase your merchandise we should feel a sense of shame and try and cover it up. I'll bet she's getting paid pretty penny to do it! Hell, employ me! I'll bash you on air, if that's the angle that you've decided will be most lucrative. Furthermore, she has virtually no consequences to her actions, other than an uncomfortable humiliating roll of the eyes of her friends/ family that implies, "Oh you! This is why no one trusts you and you'll die alone! har har har!"

You have sucked society into your web of "Glies". That word is "Glade", mixed with "lies". So tell me Glade: where does this story go from here? Does the woman, we'll call her "Barbara" (she looks like one), go to counselling and get help for her insecurity issues? Do her friends stick by her? Does she discover new scents, and what story does she concoct to explain to the Avon lady when she steps into her home and inquires what that intoxicating allure is? How large does this web get, Glade?

I think you should sincerely re-think this campaign, Glade. Barbara is only hindering your success. I really think your company has something with these "candles" and "plug ins" you're peddling. I truly think that one day, your company will take off and become fairly popular. I have a knack for predicting these things. Don't worry Glade, your day will come.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand
***RESPONSE: March 2, 2009***

From: consumerproducts@SCJ.com
Subject: Re: Your Inquiry About an SC Johnson Air Care product #014240329A
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com
Received: Monday, March 2, 2009, 1:01 PM


Dear Sarah,

Thank you for your email. We value your comments and are sharing them with the
people responsible for our advertising.

Best regards,

Carolyn

Consumer Relationship Centre
SC Johnson
Toll free number: 1-800-558-5566
www.scjohnson.ca

Reference Number: 014240329A

***RESPONSE: March 2, 2009***

Re: Your Inquiry About an SC Johnson Air Care product #014240329A
Monday, March 2, 2009 4:02 PM
From: "Sarah Bertrand" View contact details To: consumerproducts@SCJ.com

Dear Carolyn (or is it Barbara??),


My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old husky hip hop video dancer who enjoys silly buttons, giggling, and bedazzling tiny capes for my lizard. I was just rouging my face when I heard my computer scream out, "You've got mail!" (you know, like in that movie... Titanic), and I was delighted to see that it was from you.

I trust that you will do everything in your power to see that this woman is disciplined, and acquires a better attitude and rediscovers her dignity, Barbara.

Sweet dreams,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to a Yahoo spammer

PLEASE READ CAREFULLY AND REPLY
Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:23 AM
From: "TAMA AKU"
Add sender to Contacts To: undisclosed-recipients
The Desk of Mr Tama Aku
Audit/Remittance Department of
African Development Bank (ADB)
Auagadougou Burkina Faso
phone: 00226-71 19 15 57


Dear Friend,

(CONFIDENTIAL)

I know that this email will be a big surprise to you, but i want you to calm down and read very carefully.

I have a business which will be beneficial to both of us. the amount of money involved is ($5,700:000:00 five million seven hundred thousand us dollars) which i want to transfer out of the country to your bank account, all to my financial benefit and yours too. and also to take my wife abroad for treatment of liver damage.

This money is owned by a man called JIN SUN, a business commercialist in west-african regions. he has been dead since four years ago (2005) and since then, no claim has been placed on his bank account balance.

I want to transfer this money out of the country but such fund cannot be transferred without a next of kin attached to the fund. the fund could be transferred in these way; you shall present yourself as a business associate to the deceased person[JIN SUN) as details shall be that you are the care- taker business associate to mr. jin sun and his properties.

I shall make available to you materials and information with which a successful claim shall be placed on the fund. i shall also be your guidiance and instructor throughout the duration of this transaction so as to ensure a swift and sure transfer of the fund to your bank account.

As to your benefits,you shall be entitled to 40% of this fund for your co-operation in this transaction while 5% will be set aside for expences incured during the course of this transaction.

So if you are interested, send a reply to me immediately and in your reply please include your [private phone and your fax numbers] urgency has to be implied and this business must strictly be a deal between both of us.
Waiting for your urgent response so that i can move ahead and give you the indept details concerning this transaction and also the steps to take for a smooth transfer of the fund into your bank account.

Best Regards,
Mr.TAMA AKU

***MY REPLY: FEBRUARY 28, 2009***

Dear Mr. Tama Aku,

I have heeded your advice, and "calmed down" after reading your email. It was hard though, I had to use my inhaler! Your email was so exciting!! Surprise!! To ME!!

First of all, I am very sorry to hear of your wife's liver damage. I trust that it's so horrific that not even over five million dollars in whichever country you are from can cover the cost!! For shame on your health care. Why wouldn't you complicate the operation and involve a third party!! Brilliant!

I'm a little confused as to how you came into contact of Jin Sun, the dead stranger's, money. Is it stolen? Embezzled? Did he ask you to have me, Sarah Bertrand, to be put personally in charge of his money? What an honor! Does he know that I am a 25 year old cage fighter that enjoys marbles and butterscotch? Also Mr Tama Aku, before I forget, I have some magic beans that maybe I can send your wife to help her liver? Every bit counts, right??

This sounds foolproof, safe, and like the financial endeavour of a lifetime! I will commence in sending you every bit of information I can about myself, including my social insurance number, my bank accounts, my visa number (you know, just in case), as well as my bra size and favorite color: it's pink, but I tell everyone it's blue).

Thank you so much for trusting me with this huge opportunity, and for believing in a hopeless daydreamer like me. Please forward me your bank information, your full name and address, your social insurance number, and a picture of your wife, so I can contact my new boss Mr. Jin Sun through means of a Ouija Board and ask him personally if he feels you are trustworthy. This is my operation now.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand.

My letter to Mighty Putty

Dear Mighty Putty,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old semi professional cage fighter who enjoys treasure, tiny ceramic flowers, and wildlife. More specifically, hedgehogs. Your product looks absolutely "sensational" (that is not a word I throw around lightly), and Billy Mays is certainly a handsome man. But that is neither here nor there.

Your Mighty Putty boasts of being able to support 350 pounds, and be able to handle just about any repair that needs to be made; even with automobiles!! This, Mighty Putty, is the news Phil Schmeckle and I have been waiting for.

You see, Billy Mays, about a year ago I took in an injured hedgehog I named Phil Schmeckle, who was missing a leg. He was involved in an "incident" I vowed I would never speak of (he's sensitive), so I will disclose that he's been very self conscious, and obviously inconvenienced by his missing appendage. I just don't make enough money to be able to afford such a tiny leg for him, nor do I have the means to construct one. Too bad they don't grow on trees! Actually, that would be one terrifying tree. If you see a leg tree, you should probably notify the authorities. Unless they're tiny! Then save one for me!

Where I'm going with this is that I'm going to need those two tubes plus four additional tubes of Mighty Putty for $19.99 plus $8.95 shipping and handling, in order to construct Phil Schmeckle a brand new, fully functioning leg. "Cut, activate, and repair!" I was wondering if you ship faster than the 3-4 weeks you have allotted for arrival? You can see the predicament I'm in, and Phil Schmeckle is so excited he can barely "stand" it! I've even told him maybe he'll be as fast as that cartoon version of himself, on that Sega Genesis video game! The blue one that's really fast?? Super Mario!

"Any job big or small, Mighty Putty repairs them all!!"

Phil Schmeckle and I look forward to this slogan definately and immediately coming true!! Thank you Mighty Putty. Or should I call you Jesus Putty?

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Vicks/ written as my mother

Dear Vick's,

My name is Joan Bertrand and I am a 50 some odd year old woman who enjoys breathing without hinderance, not being bamboozled, and scrambled eggs. I have a zest for life comparable to a preteen before she starts to go through puberty and gets all moody and jaded.

I trust you are having a fantastic weekend, and I will move on immediately. Right after this.

I have been battling a terrifying upper respiratory infection for some time now, and after every other option was exhausted, my doctor recommended I promptly obtain some Vick's cough drops, cherry and orange flavour. He also suggested to consume one of each color to enhance it's potency. It seemed like a logical idea, and I am not one to argue with a prescription that is being forced upon me, so I conceded.
I would have dont just about ANYTHING to cease the hacking and vomitting.

I purchased ten of each humdrum flavour, at $1.19 plus applicable taxes each. I suckled them, and even in the process I felt like I was tasting what mediocrity and injustice truly tasted like. Still Vicks, I suckled on.

I went home, tried to go about my habitual bedtime customs, consumed two Vick's cough drops; one orange, one red (symbolizing orange and cherry). I felt instant relief... for about seven seconds. Then, Vick's, I began retching and choking, choking and retching from the tip of my toes to the top of my head, like I was being strangled by a sub par product somehow.

I rolled out of bed, flailing about and clutching my throat, trying to communicate to my elderly cat Mr. Bojangles that mommy was dying, and in the process I am one hundred percent positive that my erratic behaviour brought on by Vick's agitated his heart murmur, and he had a stroke. I say, "one hundred percent positive" with a bit of hesitancy because at that point he vacated the room, but I think you will agree with me that it is a logical and appropriate assumption to make that he did so as to not upset me further. Also, so he could have his stroke in peace. I now have to make a pricey visit to the vet. I of course would never imply that I think it would be embarassing for you to *not* offer to foot the bill, however I will say that Mr. Bojangles is resilient, but not your biggest fan.

I apologize profusely, for I am getting off track.

I obviously eventually recovered from this stressful and heinous ordeal, and it was nothing short of miraculous, I can assure you.

I had to make a second trip to my doctor, and as soon as he saw my pathetic, illness stricken, unwholesome face he demanded to know what in God's name I had ingested due to the humiliating discoloration of my teeth, and my breath that he said could only be described as vile, rotten oranges and haunted cherries. He recommended that I did not speak to anyone in close contact, and haphazardly tied a filthy dish cloth across my face in case I was tempted to speak. Since I am a naturally intrusive close talker, this has proved to be extremely awkward and difficult. I had a brief stint in the emergency room where through prayer and morphine I made a speedy recovery.

Since then, I have had to buy an obscene amount of toothpaste to try and cleanse my stained teeth, and I believe you will see fit that I deserve retribution.

I seek $26.89 for all of the tablets of futility I purchased from my local drug store, and a written apology from Mr. Vick's herself.

I trust I will receive all retribution immediately, and I look forward to my presents.

Sincerely,
Joan Massie

***RESPONSE: Jan 25, 2009***

Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2009 21:30:40 +0000
From: pg_naconsumerrelations@mailnj.custhelp.com
To: jbertrand34@hotmail.com
Subject: Thank you for contacting P&G. [ ref:00D7JViV.50077odFk:ref ]

Thanks for contacting us, Joan.

I'm sorry about your experience with Vicks Cough Drops. Our products are thoroughly evaluated to be safe when used as directed, and we wouldn't expect the results you described. I'm sharing your report with our Health and Safety Division. Meanwhile, please hold on to any remaining product for two weeks in the event our Health and Safety Division needs to retrieve it.

Your satisfaction is important to us, so I'm sending a refund for two of the products you purchased. You should receive it in 2-3 weeks. We'd also like to see the remaining products so we can better understand what's happening. Please send the items to Procter & Gamble, Attn: Consumer Relations, 4711 Yonge St., Toronto, Ontario M2N 6K8. Remember to include your name, mailing address, and the following reference #: 464738. We suggest sending the product guaranteed delivery. Once we receive the products, we'll review for further compensation (including postage). For answers to medical questions, we recommend you speak with your doctor who will be able to give you the best advice.

Thanks again for getting in touch.

Terri
Vicks Team

My letter to Sea Well Optical

Dear Sea Well Optical,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old monacle polisher that enjoys aquafit aerobics, unimpeded vision, and fancy pantyhose. You know, with designs.

I recently was visiting a mall in Markham, and came across your store, "Sea Well Optical". Needless to say, I was confused, anxious, and sullen when all I wanted was to find a vision treatment centre to discover a new pair of trendy yet affordable frames.

The name, "sea well", is a baffling conundrum that I found to be more than misleading. I briefly felt on top of the world that I had found a foreign treasure unlike any other, until I walked into your store of lies and disappointment. Due to your very specific and misleading name, I expected to enter your emporium and be warmly greeted by illiterate dolphins, or learning delayed crustaceans at the entrance. This did not occur, Sea Well Optical. In addition, the obvious mispelling of the word "see" caused an unfortunate series of events that ended with myself lost at sea off the coast of North Korea, not to mention the fact that my vision remains blurred and I believe tampered with, since I was fooled into traveling instead of purchasing my aforementioned spectacles. This all consequently lead to a plethora of unfortunate events where anyone with any logic would question my morals and sense of self worth, but I can confidantly attribute every scandalous and unspeakable act to a bad judgement call as a result of Sea Well turmoil. I am not responsible for anything, and you are.

The retribution I seek, Sea Well Optical, is immediately fixing your signage, as well as sending a written apology to me, Sarah Bertrand, for all the pain and unnecessary stress I have had to endure as a result of your neglect. I'd like some sea shells to entangle in my luscious locks as a decorative statement of my stature in society, ooh, and also like, ten bucks.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, Sea Well Optical..

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Koodo

Dear Koodo,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old professional mascot groomer, who has had enough with your flashy advertisements.

I understand that you're trying to be satirical, poking fun with the retro trendy vibe your campaign overtly screams, however it only succeeds in excreting an obnoxious, juvenile semblance that is only enhanced by the vibrant trashy colors that are spewed throughout your campaign.

"Jingle bells, contracts smell, the system access fee laid an egg." This, this Koodo, is your slogan for one of your ads.

The retribution I seek is for someone from your company to please email me immediately and explain to me what the hell that means.

I thank you for your time, and hope you have a fantastic weekend.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand.

***RESPONSE: JANUARY 20TH, 2009***

Re: constructive criticismTuesday, January 20, 2009 2:47 PM
From: "Koodo Customer Service" Add sender to Contacts
To: "'sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com'"

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for contacting us. We sincerely regret to hear of your recent unsatisfactory experience with our ads, and we appreciate that you have taken the time to express your dissatisfaction.

Koodo Mobile is dedicated to providing the exemplary customer service that you deserve. Efforts are in place to monitor the service that we currently offer, and to further improve our customer relations in the future.

It is the feedback from customers, such as you, that will continue to guide us in this commitment. Complaints and suggestions received through emails are compiled and submitted in a monthly report, which serves as the basis towards planned improvements to existing services.

Sincerely,
Jennifer B

Koodo Mobile Customer Service
T: 1-866-99-KOODO E: customerservice@koodomobile.com
***EXTREME UPDATE: FEBRUARY 4, 2009***

I need to add that a representitive from Koodo actually came into my place of work to speak to me personally about my letter. He was fantastic, very fair, and actually complimented my writing! Koodo, regardless of my petty gripes, your customer service is impeccable. Well done.

My letter to Four Paws

Dear Four Paws,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old semi inspirational speaker, and animal enthusiast.

While shopping at a local pet store, I came across your Four Paws: Pet Dental Advanced Dental Care Tarter Control Treatment product. Since Schmoopy, my shih- lhasa bichon- terrier, or "exotic hybrid" as PJs Pet Store called her when I purchased her, has issues with her teeth, I decided that this product was a necessity that day.

I purchased your Four Paws: Pet Dental Advanced Dental Care Tarter Control Treatment product in good faith, without reading the back of the box, and started on my long trek home. (I have to walk 30 miles in the snow, barefoot, each way, but my purebred puppy is worth it).

I took it home, out of the package, and sat Schmoopy down. This is when I decided to read the directions. That, Four Paws, is when this whole operation went awry. I'm not entirely sure how your manager of marketing or operations conceded that it was possible for any animal to sit down and open it's mouth with no resistance until it's teeth are good and clean, but the directions you have consigned are completely unrealistic. You may as well assign directions on how to use telepathy to guide your canine to scoop it's own feces.

Don't even get me started on the flavour your inferior company offers. Mint? Why mint? Dogs don't like mint. They like chicken, beef, or poop.

The statistics you haphazardly threw onto your package were clearly fabricated to fit your agenda, plus I heard that Four Paws dental products cause 87% of all gum disease. Ever. Even in humans.

In conclusion, I believe it's a fair statement to say that everything your company spawns should immediately be discarded. I don't think it's out of line for me to ask for you, Four Paws, to cease production immediately, and dispatch a letter of apology to me personally, for all of my troubles. As well as the cost of the Four Paws: Pet Dental Advanced Dental Care Tarter Control Treatment product, to which I cannot remember how much I paid, but I'm sure it was unacceptable.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

***RESPONSE: JANUARY 19TH, 2009***

RE: displeasure with Four Paws: Pet Dental Advanced Dental Care Tarter Control Treatment
Monday, January 19, 2009 8:28 AM
From: "Customer Service - Four Paws" Add sender to Contacts
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Dear Ms. Bertrand,

I do apologize for your dissatisfaction with the Pet Dental Product that you purchased. Brushing dogs teeth is a very common practice. Not an easy one for sure, but determination prevails. Our new line of Natural Dental Products is Mint flavored, which many dogs do enjoy. We do also make dog toothpaste in Poultry & Beef flavors. As far as the statistics, you claim were "hap-hazardly thrown" on our label, we are not allowed by law to state things that arent true. Unlike, your ridiculous statement that 87% of gum disease is caused by our products. I am sorry you will no longer be purchasing our products, you and your pet will be missing out on wonderful things, manufactured by a reputable company. Best Regards,

Dana

Customer Service
Four Paws Products, LTD
50 Wireless Blvd.
Hauppauge, NY 11788
(631) 434-1100 - Phone
(631) 434-1183 - Fax
CustomerService@FourPaws.com
www.FourPaws.com

***MY RESPONSE: JANUARY 19TH, 2009***

RE: displeasure with Four Paws: Pet Dental Advanced Dental Care Tarter Control Treatment
Monday, January 19, 2009 4:36 PM
From: "Sarah Bertrand" View contact details To: "Customer Service - Four Paws"

Dear Dana,

I thank you tremendously for your email back in regards to my email of displeasure. Although I am sure you are paid an obscene amount of money to cater to the demands of your employer, as well as covering up the company you work for's sub par products. I respect that Dana, and you know what? I like you. 63% of my heart tells me I should forgive Four Paws, and you know what Dana? That's the majority, and that's good enough for me. Although I can't negotiate my self respect with you, I will tell you that I`ll give your company another chance if you send me a prototype of a new flavour of toothpaste for me to try on my puppy. I want it to be titled, Tangerine Whimsy, and to smell like fruit and magic. Congratulations on doing a fabulous job Dana. I`m not going to groom my dog in any way until I receive your package. My canine`s canines depend on you, Dana. Have a great night!

Warmest regards.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand.

Ny letter to PETA

Dear PETA,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a 25 year old animal enthusiast, who enjoys whole wheat, rescuing injured hamsters, and creating awareness. In general.

I work at a popular radio station in Toronto, and I came across your story today and decided it was far too compelling to let pass without proper attention.

You, PETA, have decided that the carnivores of the world don't feel bad enough about their blood thirsty needs, and they need to be further penalized by playing Webster's rabid minion and completely changing the name of a creature to fit your agenda.

I'm trying to put myself in your mindset and understand your train of thought. So, you don't want people to eat fish. So, how do you make fish more appealling... wait. People love kittens. They're furry and cute. No one wants to eat kittens. If people thought of seafood as furry and cute, they wouldn't eat it! And PETA would reign supreme! So, let's launch a nationwide campaign to rename fish: "Sea kitten"??? Are you serious? Do you really think that will fly, anywhere?

PETA, I respect your quest for animal equality immensely. Why, I have two hamsters at home that are missing eyes and ears, and I love them tremendously. But where do we draw the line?? Where do we get protein? Fish like to be eaten. It's their destiny. They understand that they're delicious, and don't blame us weak willed humans for consuming them with tartar sauce or perhaps a malt vinegar.

As for those poor residents of Montana that are being asked to change their name from Whitefish High School to Sea Kitten High School.. well, after being rendered speechless momentarily, I have collected my thoughts would like to express them through the means of interpretive dance.

I believe I have made my point, counteracting sheer ridiculousness with immature sarcasm. I understand that at this point you're probably not a huge fan of me... but what if I was a bunny? Everyone likes bunnies. They're cute and hoppy and they bring chocolate eggs.

Sincerely,
Sarah "Land Bunny" Bertrand.

My letter to Snuggie

Dear Snuggie,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a 25 year old semi professional graffiti artist who enjoys comfort, monster feet slippers, and not being taken advantage of.

I recently came across your bizarre and somehow wildly popular television advertisement, and I was inspired enough to scamper over to my computer, push my ailing grandmother to the floor (she was definately hogging it), and write you a passionate and thought provoking letter.

Snuggie, you have not convinced me that I need your product. Your slogan boasts, "The blanket with sleeves!", and this statement leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth. A sour taste of fleece and lies. Although your product does come in many colors pleasing to the eye, such as burgundy, royal blue, and sage green, the concept in itself baffles me. Do you believe consumers won't realize that a blanket will do the exact same job, for a lot cheaper? Hell, even if you have a fever, you can throw on a sweater or jacket in addition to that blanket, and still won't have to go through the trouble of ordering and waiting on your mystical cloak of futility. Even with the promise of a free booklight with your purchase, and even with the affirmation that I will receive not one but two of these ridiculous atrocities, and *even* though that fleecey heinousness is being peddled for the reasonable price of only $29.95 plus shipping and all applicable taxes, I still believe that you owe me more.

Snuggie, I don't feel as though you've put your heart and soul into this project, and I demand retribution. I would like a limited edition prototype constructed in my honor, and sent to me immediately. In order to please me, you must have the back of the Snuggie bedazzled with tasteful rhinestones, and I'd like flashing lights to spell out my name. Sarah Bertrand. I'm not a fan of the colors you have offered, so I'm sure you'll have no problem manufacturing a rich pink hue to adorn my Snuggie. If I am jubilant with the final result, I will expect you to send me several Snuggies in the exact same manner in which I just described. In addition, four booklights, and $29.95 plus shipping and applicable taxes for my troubles. Also, I am willing to offer my services as your spokesperson, for I am searching for a sponser. You know, to sponser my every day living. I will send you headshots, and you can send me compliments.

I look forward to my presents immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Partypalooza.com

Dear Partypalooza.com,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old daydreamer who enjoys fashion, retro trendsetting, and vibrant clashy colors that at a glance can send someone into a seizure induced coma.

I am on the quest for a sponser for my every day life, Partypalooza.com. I am a fun loving, adventurous jezebel, and I believe I would be the perfect representitive for your company; specializing in slap bracelets. Remember those nifty accessories from the eighties? Kids immediately started abusing them and there were tons of slap bracelet related injuries so they all got recalled. Except at your fine store! I know mine were all confiscated as soon as my mom caught my brother and I in the middle of a rousing game of, "slap bracelet slap facelet".

I could be your puppet, a walking billboard of marvel, with free swag, and my sole purpose would be to promote your company. I would elicit disbelief and morbid fascination, and your sales would boom! Straight through the roof! Everyone would be jealous that you thought to capitalize on youth, and people's fruitless and embarassing quest to recapture their childhood!!!

I will send some really flattering and professional headshots to hopefully tickle your fancy. Have a fantastic weekend, and I look forward to hearing from you immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Belvedere Vodka

Dear Belvedere Vodka,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old nursing student that thinks you are delicious. You, and your entire operation.

Last night you made me feel like the cat's meow. You are dangerous though, Belvedere Vodka. You are a tricky monkey. You are one high class, exquisitely constructed beverage, and you made me feel like I was consuming water all night long.You are not water, Belvedere Vodka. Water does not make me feel like this the next morning.

This letter is not to reprimand though; my intention is only to praise, and give you the offer of a lifetime.

I would love to promote your brand of magic in my every day life. I'm your average Joe, representing an important demographic for your company to please: the "drunken girl who doesn't respect herself all that much and lives modestly" demographic. I believe your consumers will appreciate what you've set out to accomplish in your noble mission to make everyone feel equally important.

I will send you a series of headshots for you to choose from, as well as my contact information. Thank you, Belvedere Vodka. I don't feel confidant in saying I'm entirely sober right now, so I will leave you with something I am confidant in saying: Last night, you were responsible for me being on my A game. I truly felt I was fabulous, charming, and really really hilarious. In reality I was probably being disgusting and obnoxious and I should be ashamed of myself, but for those few hours that I was slamming back your delicious nectar, I was the King. And you, you Belvedere Vodka; you were my royal steed. That means horse.

I look forward to hearing from you immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand